#8/28: Game, Set, and Snack
This is the Tennis Officials’ Dining Room
Shut your fucking mouth and meet me under the table! If you listen carefully, you might make it out of here alive.
I don’t know how you missed this, but this is the Tennis Officials’ Dining Room (TODR). Look around. Way in the back corner, you got the Chair Umps, when it comes to scorekeeping/rules, nothing gets by them. These guys like their backs to the wall and a view of the entire lunchroom. Keep clear of those guys. Even if they bump into you, they’ll make it look like your fault.
See those guys with the clipboards and rule books? Those are the Referees. They’re basically the nerds of the tennis officials. They’re mostly harmless, but they will ridicule you mercilessly if you don’t know the difference between a let and a net.
Obviously, you’ve noticed that group of weirdos leaning over the table with their hands on their thighs. Those are the Line Umps: the guys who call whether a ball is in or out of play. They’re like bloodhounds; trained to do one thing exceptionally well, aside from that, they’re dumber than the marketing team behind pig milk.
Finally, at that table surrounded by gold stanchions and velvet ropes, you got the Chief Umpires. They’re the only umps you can call “ump.” These guys are the top of the food chain. The Chiefs assign all the other officials to their jobs.
The surprised look on your face tells me you didn’t have a clue about any of this. And the surprised look on my face should tell you that I never thought I’d see the day a player would be dumb enough to set foot in the TODR. You might as well go shark diving while menstruating, cuz the only thing that all these umps have in common is a shared hatred for the players.
Here’s a towel and some Purell. Wipe yourself down. If anyone gets so much as a whiff of your sunscreen sweat, they’ll snatch you like Agassi’s wig.
Good. Now look over your left shoulder. See those two Line Umps watching the Ball Boys catching grounders? There’s a door right behind them. I don’t know how you got in here, but that door is your only way out. I’ve got one ball in my pocket. If I throw it just right, the Ball Boys won’t be able to catch it, and those Line Umps will be distracted as they chase it down the hallway. The second the ball bounces, you sprint towards the door and don’t look back, you hear me? We only get one shot, so I gotta wait for the perfect moment.
Who am I? Obviously, I’m the–
Oh shit! Now’s your chance. Run damnit. RUN!